ebola_poptarts

And so it begins...

2010-07-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

And so it was beseeched, and so it shall be... For so it had been written on the great Motown tablets of yore that, "we are, in fact, onto something big". After much coersion, great trials & tribulations, and the harpies, oh god the harpies! My friend Doug (thog) has finally convinced me to unleash my peculiarities onto the unsuspecting.

It began with his birth. It was a difficult birth, but I managed to effectively withdraw him from my thigh. From that day forward he learned quickly, and promptly posted many of the links for which he had been tutored. I was predominately absent throughout his adolesence, and I blame myself for all the small animals that fell victim to his megalomania. For it had been fated, that I be executing ironic punishments in Hades through his formative years.

So, whatta ya' do?!?

We have since reconciled the past, and effectively tortured our livers in commensalism while discordantly yodeling Whiskeytown tunes. And now it's back to business: fornicating, torturing, and just simply titillating ourselves with the psychological torture we can impose through our self-indulgant actions.

This site shall evolve as I evolve, haphazardly and with innumerable beguiling delusions...

To be continued...

My Better Judgement vs. the Wet Turd on a Hot Sidewalk...

2009-05-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

...Because sometimes professional development supercedes the proliferation of a grand joke, but mostly they're synonymous. We are ridiculous, afterall.
But until the moment arises when my mortgage either pays itself, my better judgement succumbs to a martini binge, or someone is willing to pay me to make me laugh at myself, I feel compelled to institute a hiatus... Adieu!

The Lone Rapper of Jerome

2006-12-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Parents, before you succumb to the urges of suburbanite-flight, and upheave pupating adolescents in pursuit of the simple life, consider this story… It all began as one family’s seemingly natural progression away from inner-city violence, over-priced lattes, & traffic-out-the-wazoo, but as with all decisions there comes a cost, and unfortunately the cost is high for one particular displaced teenager, and the small community that now must learn to cope with it’s presence.

The Smalker’s recently decided to leave their fiscally gratifying lifestyle in L.A., for a quiet lifestyle in the historical mining town of Jerome, AZ. Unfortunately, having not consoled their teenage children of this move (being that it was obviously a selfish move on their behalf), it has resulted in at least one lone-teenager having to etch a niche in a town that simply doesn’t understand just how def she is.

Alienated in her own mind, compelled to act “street-smart” and “bad-ass” without actual prior fiscal/emotional/life hardship, & forced to share a bathroom, this particular teenager is going to the streets to spread the word, displaying her wanton oppression as if she owned it… You go girl…

But Jerome, AZ, much like most of the mountainous regions in AZ, has since been over-run by emigrating hippies & artisans, who are too self-absorbed seeking self, outside of self, to prepare themselves for anything quite this annoying. ‘Cause whom amongst us is truly prepared for the street-smacking, jive-talking, bad-ass rhyming rhetoric of a 17yr-old, L.A. suburbanite, who’s been notoriously B.A.D...

But she is out and about, loud ‘n’ proud everyday, parading through the streets rapping to her hearts content. Bursting into bars and gift shops, breaking into spontaneous street-rap, and threatening the meekest in the crowd with the prospect of “a cap in the ass!”, only to receive a dazed look, and an occasional; “wha?!” from her confused victims.

A fellow classmate, also a CA emigrant was quoted as saying, “It’s like, I dunno, like she doesn’t belong here, like, you know, like she’s totally out of her crib.”

But with her regular public raucousing and near-sociopathic social interactions, Jerome has just about achieved a level of discomfort & discontent that could only result in the use of group hugs, hypnotism, sweat lodges, & counselors. But before pursuing the obvious aversions to the problem, Jerome has asked the local university, N.A.U., to see if perhaps there might be something gained by studying this poor, misplaced creature. Who knows, there may be a genetic link between her and other creatures that display Batesian mimicry, perhaps she has speciated away from her brood and is evolving into a common street thug, or perhaps she is an infectious, metastasized cancer that exudes phospho-organic compounds and should be irradiated while her body dangles gracefully from the downtown gallows, as a warning to all others who dare disturb the peace. The plausibilities are as mysterious as the creature itself…

We chose to take a minute and try to communicate with this “Sally”, as her parental organisms have deemed her. First, we tried capturing her attention with pit-fall traps, but only managed to capture several VW’s. Next, we tried tranquilizing her, but her numerous gold medallions acted like armor, making her impenetrable, and we once again returned to our motel defeated. Then in a desperate attempt, we offered her free food & an i-pod, she was completely spellbound and unable to resist. So, we sat with this mountainous enigma, eyes locked in suspicion. She spoke, “Wassup, dog?”, to which we quickly referenced our street-slang translation manual and replied, “not much, mofo, whassup wit u?”… at which point we both dropped our dewlaps and began a succession of head-bobbings not yet seen before in human interactions, but certainly clearly stating that “all was cool”, “we ain’t packin’”, & “Yo, baby-cakes, if you weren’t underage, well… you know…” After which all was chill, and we continued our conversation. Much was lost in translation, but since most people don’t really listen anyway, we felt there was no true loss.

In fact, when the conversation had finally ended, it was as if we’d gained a friend. We now realized that Sally was just like the rest of us, except more fraudulent, and had dreams and aspirations, too. Hoping one day to save-up to buy a grill, but realistically will probably have to settle for a tie-dye t-shirt, or homemade ice cream. We bid our farewells, and as Sally rapped-off into sunset, we couldn’t help wonder why we take these stupid stories. I mean really there’s real things happening in the world and we’re stuck doing satire, god-dammit!

Goodbye, Sally. We hope your assimilation back into humanity is “cap-free”.

Medication for the Mundane...

2006-06-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

Projack-D

Does depression make you sad?
Are you prone to 'bouts of bad poetry?
Do you not exude confidence & exhuberance daily?
Is your wardrobe predominately black, or earth-tones?
Are you a victim of flatulence?

If you aren't your jiggy-best 24-7, there could be something wrong with you. We here at Projack have realized that perhaps an even, planar-mood is unnatural, and that well, maybe life really is a roller-coaster of emotional ups 'n' downs. So, we are proud to unveil the next generation of mood modification, Projack-D. Now, for the first-time ever the mood elevating effects of Projack with the stimulation of pseudoephedrine.
We were skeptical at first, too. We asked, what's a serotonin uptake inhibitor (SUI) and a nasal decongestant doing in the same pill? But then our chemists came in with the hooch! And wow! Best board-meeting ever!!!
So, if you're tired of feeling "just o.k.", it may be time to make a leap towards a new, improved you. One that isn't held back by life's l'il discomforts, one that doesn't have to stop and reflect on the consequences of their actions, one that rises above the unmedicated masses by experiencing a hyperexcelerated, yet dosage-controlled, natural-mania.
So, jump on the bandwagon, before the long-term studies come-in. 'Cause depression is real, and you should be too.

- Also available: Projack-C (glass-pipe sold seperately).

Whatsa matta with groupthink, or the meeting that ended in, "...cool"

2006-05-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

This actually began as an attempt to post a simple video link, but has since become a tangential journey into the bizarre. Join me, won't you... Welcome!